Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Change is Good

Hi Kids,

I miss your hugs!
I'm hoping you're having a great time camping. cottaging, swimming, fishing and playing until it's dark enough to roast marshmallows over a camp fire. You know as a kid I never really did any camping and I hope it's something you kids still do as much as possible because... well it's fun and you learn a lot about nature and life in general. I'm sure making up for lost time when I was a kid, out here we live in what's considered cottage country, Middle River is very small much like your home in Strabane but just imagine way bigger lots of land and a forest in between every neighbour. It is very isolated here and there are quite a few farms, mostly older farms now but some are still working farms with cows and horses. Sophie you would love all the horses around here, you could ride every day if you wanted to. We've met a lot of great people out here and all of them enjoy making the best of their summer fun actually it's a priority. It really isn't that hard in Cape Breton it's such a beautiful island with everything so close to us like beaches, trails, rivers and parks.  Don't get me wrong we all work very hard  but we get to enjoy what we have and feel grateful for having it. Something I wish so much that I could share with you both but that's not the way it is right now and I'm sorry you have to miss out on so much of my life and what I have to offer you both. Although I'm sure your mom is working extra hard to make sure your having lots of fun and that you're getting to enjoy these years as children because you never get them back! And now that you're going through this big change of moving and starting new schools in a way I'm sure it's kind of exciting and maybe even fun, you know change can be good sometimes even though it is stressful.

Dad being goofy!
Speaking of change I started a new contract this week managing and promoting a Theatre just 40 minutes from where we live. It's exciting doing something different than what I was doing in TV and the best part is that I can use Angela as a resource, she used to work in Theatre and the music industry for about 15 years before she started doing television. Who knew we would be so employable with the non-traditional skills we have coming from the city. There's not a lot of work here so you either have to have a trade or run your own business so that's what we do. We run the bed and breakfast in the summer and fall and I do contract work in the winter and spring, except for this new job I just couldn't pass up the opportunity!  The quality of life that I have here is far better than what I had in the city especially after the truck accident, your Dad just wasn't the same person and I hope to one day explain it all to you.  I found the city very depressing and I could no longer work at CBC, I got really bad migraines and found it hard to concentrate, needless to say I did suffer from some minor brain damage but that's another story for another time.  I just wanted you kids to know that I didn't leave to get away from my responsibility as your father... the truth is I wasn't allowed to ever get you for longer than a weekend and sometimes not even that! When I knew that I was being shut out of your lives and I wouldn't be able to see you then there was nothing holding me back from moving out here. If I wasn't allowed to see my kids then why would I stay in the city, a place that made me miserable?. Both Angela and I made some really hard decisions and serious thinking, we were fed up with the rat race and since she had sold her cottage in Ontario we needed to find a place that would make us both happy. It was a little scary at first but we both have learned so much about finding true happiness... inner happiness, just from being out here. What can I say I love the country life but I know it's not for everyone and you have to really be industrious like being able to do most house and mechanical repairs on your own or you'll be waiting a long time to hire someone! Thankfully friends out here are always willing to help. 
You are never far from my thoughts!
So even though change can be scary sometimes it can also take you to a whole new level that you never thought you could achieve or that you would even like. Having you both out of my life is not a good change by and means, it's nothing short of a travesty to me but maybe it is what you kids needed to feel stable and not torn by confusion and anger. Maybe if I kept fighting with your mom and Simon you would hate me even more than you do right now and our adult relationship would suffer because of it, at least now I have given us a chance to connect once you've reached 18 years old without the bitterness of court battles and me being bad mouthed every time I call or want to see you. When you reach the age of 18 I will no longer be legally bound to stay away from you and you'll be mature enough to handle the reality of what happened to you. The last year I saw you kids was the hardest especially seeing what was happening to you at home and I knew it was my fault, my fault for wanting to be your father and spend more time with you. It sounds so stupid I know... it is stupid, actually it's a crime! Giving you peace and the ability to focus on where your home is now is the only way I could show you how much I love you. I love you so much that I saved you from the next 6-10 years of court battles and psychological exams and a whole mess of pain. I wanted full custody after Simon had moved in but I knew that would never happen without severe damage to you kids. The legal and psychological ramifications would have torn you kids apart because your mom would never allow it.. she wouldn't allow shared custody!!! Some day you will understand and I know now you're just angry, I accept that and I understand you don't have all the information right now. It doesn't mean I'll give up on you if you don't want to talk to me the first time I try to contact you, I'll continue to make contact until you have a clear understanding of everything that has happened and that at the very least you know that I never left you. When you are adults and have your own kids you will understand the sacrifices parents make for the sake of their children no matter how much it hurts them. I hope you never have to go through what I'm going through.

Kids I love you with all of my heart and soul! I hope you're still enjoying your summer and making lasting fun memories. Talk soon!
Love Dad
xoxoxox
I can't wait to Ride the Cabot Trail with you Zach!

Birthday Cake!

Birthday Cake!

Family Reunion

Family Reunion